Honk If You're Ornery

One of the things I miss most being out here is driving. There are the common reasons like the feeling of freedom, the sense of speed and power, self reliance. Windows down, good music, open road. Yada , yada, yada. For me though, beyond the for mentioned, there's a desperately missed sense of law and order. Rules, safety, regulations. Sanity.

Here there are no rules. Just horns. Lanes are uselessly painted on the road. Maybe once long ago they were helpful or maybe even considered to be the dawning of a new age of reason. But that they are not. Cars, buses, mopeds, people on foot, trucks, tricycle-carts. All move up, down, sideways, and backwards on these streets. Grains of sand pushing hard to get to the bottom of an hour glass. Now that would be the poetic way to describe it. But I find the comical horror of a bunch of blind monkeys driving little Shriner cars with Fez's atop their heads to be more fitting.

Regardless, it is a nerve racking endeavor every time you step into a car. Stopped at a light in the left turn lane, waiting behind several vehicles, it's not uncommon to see other cars passing you on the left. Driving headlong into oncoming traffic trying to get around you. Because they can't seem to figure out why you haven't advanced yet. Cars stopped in the fast lane of the highway, backing up to reach a turn off they've past. Others flying straight out of a parking lot across 5 lanes to make a left turn without stopping. All the while sending what was a steady flow of cars swerving in every direction.

I have had a couple of taxi drivers give me a rise in blood pressure. One genius last weekend drove the WRONG WAY down the freeway to save some time while cutting across town. Another drove with his foot on the gas like he was tapping in time to a waltz. Changing lanes like he was choosing between what two ties he should wear. Right, left, right, left. My neck sore afterwards from my head swaying back and forth. Once while driving down the freeway in the company van, I was thrown sideways when it suddenly veered into another lane to avoid running over an old man on his bicycle. On the freeway! In the center lane! Riding into oncoming traffic! I could have sworn that that old man had a smirk on his face.

You get used to seeing this sort of thing on a daily basis, to a certain degree. The smells that you encounter when entering a cab, the horrible music assaulting your ears from the normally blaring speakers, choking on the fumes of passing buses. Holding on tightly to the roof handle. closing your eyes and focusing on your breathing. thinking of how everyone made a big stink when Jack Nicholson attacked that cab in Hollywood with a golf club. I saw somebody honk at a traffic cone. Then again people honk as much as they blink. I guess that's to let others around them know that they are there.

For a really good time take a drive through a traffic circle or roundabout. I remember long ago a girlfriend crying about how she got stuck in the local traffic circle for 5 complete loops. It was hard not to laugh (it still is actually) but a couple of times here I've found myself going through one stifling a scream, wincing, bracing myself for sure impact. The front tire of a bus inches from my side door window. Staring face to face with the wheelrim's whirling lug nuts. My driver trying to go right, the bus coming in hard left. But like always, a last minute surge of gas, or application of the brake, a few honks and disaster is narrowly averted. (for the millionth time).

That's China for you. A place where the car has the right of way and the pedestrian better be alert.