Team building China style

Friday the majority of the office is whisked away to a secret location for an afternoon of team building. or what I prefer to call "coworker bond enforcement camp". The destination is a beautiful resort situated on a lush hillside with a spectacular view of, what? I don't know because the valley's smog threatens to obscure even the sun. Still this posh entry room is Bond-esque. Note in the picture to the left there is nothing to separate the Bamboo and the outside. Above the stairs is a pond that floats above the lower level. Yet this is all a deceit. A seductive chili waxed quixotic. Red and beckoning yet full of heat and pain. We are lead off and separated into groups of 20. Marched out of this room, up the hillside, and taken to different locations for such group activities as creating a team name and composing a team song and dance routine. followed by catching alternating team members as they fall backwards from a stone wall into our collective grasps. (This part was amusing however as 19 uneasy team members awaited my turn. To their credit they kept me from hitting the ground and many a hearty laugh were shared.) I could not help but think as we trodded up and over this landscape of rope bridges, bamboo obstacle courses, and random huts hidden behind palm trees, that I was on the set of Delta Force 2. A part of me was awaiting Chuck Norris to come swinging in on a vine with a live grenade in his fist yelling at me to hit the deck. Minutes turn into the tens of minutes and then into an hour and a half. Finally after a couple of dance routines we are finally given water. But not before the losers of the dance and song competition are tortured in front of us. These uncoordinated bastards are forced to hold each others ears while singing out loud "we totally suck and blew the most important test of our lives." Well that's what I assume they say. I don't speak Chinese.
After this heinous act we are scared straight and marched to the bottled water hut. God has turned his back on us. There are no water bottles, only dixie cups with one refill per person. Damn, I should learn how to say "more water please" in Chinese but I really don't have the time, maybe later in the hotel I'll get to reading my Chinese for lazy asses book. But realistically I won't. In stead I'll switch on British espn and try to make sense of a cricket match.

Oh no, now I'm daydreaming. Losing focus of the here and now. I get back to reality and find myself passing my team members like rolls of carpet through a giant rope fence similar to a volley ball net. If their bodies touch the ropes then we have to start over. And since I'm the local strong man it is my charge to do the heavy lifting. 24mins later all of the crew has been passed through the net and into my arms. Relief sets in as we are taken to a lovely amphitheater to talk about the afternoon we've just endured. One by one all members stand and give a speech telling of their thoughts on the day. I stand and say "now that I've held you all in my arms, let me just say you are much easier to lift than Americans."

Not a good speech but hey, I've been sweating for 5 hrs in 90 degree heat accompanied by 80percent humidity. I'm tired and need food and more importantly water. To our relief we are taken to a restaurant alongside a giant pond. We are served soup and hot boiling tea.

AAAAAHHHHH! Who's in charge of refreshment around here, Satan? My guess is yes. I eat my food. Tired, stained, and drenched in sweat. My shirt no longer moves against my body. it has become skin. Like a layer on an onion. After an hour and a half drive back through friday night traffic Im back in the hotel and I finally get my hands around a cold cold beer. it is a simple bliss and the reward to another awesome day.